The war isn’t over.

This morning I woke up and wanted to scream. Like a deep primal cry that would bring forth all the tears I didn’t shed the last 12 days, 12 months, 2 years… I don’t know.

I have been so calm. So reliable. But last night I woke up multiple times, my body accustomed to waking up suddenly and running. By 5 am, sleep was finished for me.

The second I opened my phone, I saw their faces. The four beautiful souls that were m*rdered yesterday morning by Iran in Be’er Sheva. An 18-year-old couple, his mother, a grandmother.

Another seven soldiers k*lled in Gaza. Young men, barely 20 years old.

Mamdani winning the primary in NYC.

And I absolutely lost it.

*****

Someone asked me today, “Wow, you Israelis must be so relieved about the ceasefire.”

Do you know how I feel?

Enraged. Unsafe. Unsure.

We were told to go back to real life today. As if none of this had happened.

School, work, real life… just picking up where we left off as if we haven't just lived through 12 days of trauma.

Listen, we all want to go back to real life.

To sleep through the night and go about our lives, feeling safe and well.

No more de*th. No more drama.

I went into Jerusalem today and the city feels hungover. Slightly empty, friction still thick in the air.

Everyone, Jews & Arabs, tourists, looks shell-shocked. Dazed. It all ended as suddenly as it began.

I decided I needed to take care of myself, and so I went to my regular acupuncture appointment. I didn’t realize the tension that was living in my body. I really struggled to relax. Only when I got quiet did I realize how many thoughts were rushing through my head. How tightly I was holding myself, how I have been clenching my jaw. My throat is sore, my head hurts, my body aches.

My soul is aching.

Because the war isn’t over.

We were in the middle of a war when this all started- and somehow, we’re in the exact same spot.

Soldiers still dy*ng in Gaza.

Hostages still not home.

How were the hostages not a central part of the ceasefire deal?

That’s not even mentioning that we are getting too many mixed messages about the “success” of the war.

Where is the uranium?

Is the nuclear program actually destroyed or has it just been set back months or years?

Will we have to do this all over again?

What happens to the Iranian people now?

The hostages?

It feels like we were in a car going 120 miles per hour and then just stopped short.

And now we are suspended in air, flying, waiting to see where we land.

We’ve had 11 de*ths here in Israel in the last 24 hours.

No, I’m not relieved.

I’m outraged.

I’m frustrated.

I’m exhausted.

I’m holding my breath while we watch all these leaders proclaim victory and success.

Life has “gone back to normal.”

When was the last time it was normal?

Is war and antisemitism normal?

Home front command tells us we are safe now.

And I just want to laugh.